whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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