I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I want to be your penis for a week.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
