90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
