I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
