The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
