That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
