Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I need to stop coming to work sober
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
