my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
