Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
