Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
