Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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