I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
no you cant smoke seaweed
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
