Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
