On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Randomize
