How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize