Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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