Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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