I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Nicole vs. Life
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
