currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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