Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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