i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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