First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
