mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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