he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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