i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
