I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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