I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
