Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
