Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
