I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
