I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
