I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
