It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
