OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
