You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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