stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
