My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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