I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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