We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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