Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
