Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
