Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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