My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
