I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Randomize
