No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize