Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize