She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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