if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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