she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
