drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
