Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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