so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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