just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm really busy with my period
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