I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize