We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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