I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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