and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
